Not Mine to Have

Recently I had a conversation with someone about my kids- I have 3 small boys.  It was a familiar conversation, one I have with some frequency.  People often wonder if I would like to "try again and get a girl", or if I’m sad that I never had a girl.  I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a grieving process I went through when I was pregnant with my third child, knowing that this was our last child, and it would very possibly be a boy, and I would never have a little girl.  I chose to consider that and come to terms with it before giving birth, because I did not want to be disappointed upon the birth of my child, I wanted to be fully present to that moment, without any hang ups. 

The moment he was born and they said “it’s a boy!” I knew it was right, and good, and that this child will grow to become whatever lovely human he’s meant to be.

So now I run into this conversation a lot with people wondering whether I’m sad I don’t have a girl, or wish I had one.  I have a few thoughts when this comes up.  On one hand I get it, but mostly I wish that they could see or understand how complete our family feels, how so very full our hearts are with love for one another.  If they understood that, they might see that their questions seem irrelevant to me, as if I had told them I grow apples and they were asking me if I miss not growing oranges.

Secondly, and I think this is a big one for me, it makes me wonder about the assumption that as a person I should want to have all of the experiences of life.  As if not having a girl means that I am missing out on some important and critical life experience.  I just can’t get behind that.  I believe we are created as humans to be in relationship with one another, and one of the best parts of that is that I don’t have to have every experience for myself.  I can be connected to others and delight in their experiences and know that not every experience is mine to have.  This frees me up to live more fully into the life set before me.  When I am able to live in this mindset I am happier, more connected, and more present. 

This is true for many areas of life, not just motherhood. For example, in work it can be easy to wish for the job or skill set of someone else, while we fail to see and nurture all that we hold within ourselves.  It begs the question: am I focused on what I might be missing (that is perhaps not mine to have), while missing out on the fullness of what is before me.

It is my hope and prayer for you that you can let go of what is not yours, and fully embrace what is.