Dare to Leave the Shallow End Behind
Adult friendships are hard, am I right?!?!
I was not prepared for that. As someone who drifted between a lot of groups in high school, but managed to have a few good friends here and there I had no idea that friendships would be this hard later in life.
I used to feel very self-conscious about this, but the more I listen to others the more aware I am that this is pervasive throughout our culture. When I look around at other moms and adults in the community I feel like I’m the only one who is not connected, but I think I’m just bad at small talk.
My entire professional life has been built around having deep, meaningful, sometimes hard conversations. It has become a space where I feel comfortable, where I thrive, and I have a very hard time with surface conversations to the point where I think I’m basically anti-social. As someone trained to talk about soul, spirituality, self, metaphor, stories, faith, life, death, and connection I have been slow to pick up on the fact that most people don’t feel comfortable broaching these subjects at school pick-up. Let me make this very clear: it’s not that I believe I am a person of depth and meaning and everyone else is shallow. I believe in my bones that we all hold multitudes within us and want desperately to connect in meaningful ways, we’ve just been conditioned to run from the deeper places and seek the safety of superficial conversations.
But more than any of that, I know that at my core I long for connection- real authentic connection with others. I think we all want to see and be seen. The problem is that we have been conditioned to fly through our days SO fast that we can hardly catch our breath, let alone pause and check in on how we’re really doing or how someone else is doing. And I think underneath some of that is a deep seeded fear that if we slow down for even a second to pause and check in we might see that we aren’t all that happy, that we are barely holding it together, and that there are cracks in the façade.
But there’s the rub- only when we allow ourselves that space can we see that NOBODY has it all together and EVERYBODY is falling apart in one way or another. We weren’t built to do this alone, we were absolutely built to live in community, connected, supporting one another- the mess is where the life is. When I’m feeling brave sometimes I’ll share a story or experience that invites people into my mess- my less than perfect moments or details. It’s a sort of olive branch that I stretch out and see if anyone wants to take hold of. Sometimes I get burned and realize very quickly that I’ve over shared- that I’m indeed violating the rules of the shallow end- that my comments are not welcome in that space. But sometimes I see someone let out a long exhale and say “you too? I thought I was the only one.” and for a moment we leave the shallow end and get a little deeper, if only for a moment.
My current profession has a few different names- spiritual director, spiritual coach, contemplative coach- but my favorite name for what I do is Anam Cara. It’s celtic for Soul Friend. It’s a relationship founded on deep listening and soul tending- providing space for the other to feel truly seen, heard, and held in love. It is a deeply sacred space where the wells run deep and compassion abounds. Meeting with my own Anam Cara is a balm for my tender soul. I walk away knowing that whatever is sacred in me and in my life has been held with such care, respect, and kindness that I can even see it myself as she reflects it back to me. It is such a humbling and beautiful experience to sit with another and provide that sacred space. It always reminds me of that quote by David Augsburger: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” I wish we lived at a slower pace, and I wish we weren’t so afraid to be seen and to see others. Both are such a gift. But, since we don’t live at a slower pace, and nobody is going to slow it down for us, it is up to us to seek out people and places where we can slow down, where we can listen and be listened to, where our sacred selves can be seen and met with compassion.
May you be brave enough to step a toe into deeper waters
May you find your Anam Cara
May we all dare to leave the shallow end behind