What even is spirituality?

I live in a house with 3 boys. There are many things they can find to fight about including (but not limited to): which movie to watch, what they want for dinner, who is sitting where, and on and on. Sometimes these are simple disagreements, but often they are heated battles. Sometimes they are all against each other, other times they pair up and team up 2 on 1. In general, these arguments are set up with strong beliefs and opinions, and fear of not getting your way or feeling like you were heard, and always someone will throw out “that’s not fair!” It’s a lose-lose-lose scenario that I have the repeated joy of trying to mediate.

Sometimes one will win out, or majority will rule, inevitably leaving someone simmering. But, often these issues are solved in our house by moving the focus to a third thing. Instead of pitting them “this against that”, I’ll offer an entirely different option that will cool the nerves, bring them back to what’s in front of them, and allow us to move forward with our day.  It can be exhausting, but it’s worth it.

Even more exhausting is stepping outside of my house into a world that is constantly divided, pitting our beliefs one against another, proving who’s right and who’s wrong, spitting insults and constantly adding fuel to an already raging dumpster fire.

It’s like that with politics, sports, education, religion, and everything else. In my work around spirituality I find that sometimes people come into the room or the conversation very apprehensive, on guard, and with their defenses up. Before the conversation even begins they are worried about whether or not this will agree or disagree with their beliefs. They are wondering if some religious perspective is going to be shoved down their throats. And they are concerned that they will be asked to participate in some spiritual exercises that make them very uncomfortable.

That’s where I come in. This culture has set us all up for hot button issues and heated debates. Much of my work in these contexts is to bring in a third way.   Though the word “spirituality” is used a lot in our world, I find that the definitions people hold for this word vary wildly. My first line of work is to hear each person, finding out where they are in their spiritual or religious understanding, and what has shaped that.  Upon being listened to, most people are ready to engage with others, regardless of their viewpoints. But the next step is also important, I help to define how we are using the word “spirituality” in our conversations to help us stand on some middle ground, find some common language, and open ourselves to a broader understanding that can hold a wide variety of thoughts, beliefs, and backgrounds.  I intentionally define spirituality broadly as “the belief in something bigger than yourself.” When we use this definition, suddenly there is plenty of common ground and we can have deeper, more meaningful conversations about life, love, grief, and joy.  People begin to delight in the unique perspectives around the table and start to feel connected to one another, instead of divided. People begin to see each other as humans, not adversaries.

This is a pretty broken world, becoming more divided and angry by the day. But, there is hope.  If we can look for the third way, find the place where we can see and hear one another, we can start bridging some of these divides.

Here’s a final thought from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn't make any sense.